On the night of 12th November I held your hands

Dear Richa,

When I see your hands in certain photos, specially the photos of 29th October when you had come out of your room wearing that nightie and that maroon colour shawl so gracefully and with so much dignity sitting with a small smile throughout the pooja performed by Suvarna Baba.

Imagine, just 15 days after this or 14 days after this you left us.

I have been the greatest fool on earth to have wasted so much time and not spend time with you.

On the night of 12th November I held your hands, realised that how is they and how fragile they had become, even they were cold. I told you, "Richa, these are my hands, not Margaret's hand", I was trying to crack a joke. I think you understood that, isn't it. You hear me, isn't it.

You were completely conscious on 12th November night, then what happened on 13th November morning and in the afternoon what happened, why did you decide to leave or did it happen automatically, what's the mystery.

Mummy phoned you and told you that you should take Sharnagathi, did that push you in that direction, did that cut the chords or was it like the last straw on the camel's back because maybe anyway you were all set because there is a limit to which physical suffering can be taken, maybe you had too much of it, more than enough of it. I really don't know what happened Richa.

My god your hands were so thin and your feet had become so swollen. I remember touching them and feeling them and seeing them intently on 13th Novemberafternoon and evening in the Bombay Hospital ICU room after you had already left us.

Righ now as I dictate this I am remembering the afternoon and evening of 13th November in the ICU room of Bombay hospital, myself, Papa, Margaret, Dharmishtha were there, then Shambhavi also came and even Santu chacha ji. Santu chacha ji was trying to say Shriman Narayan or I think our mantra in your ears and Shambhavi was also trying to talk to you or whisper, I am not sure.

I remember asking Dr. Tiwari, "Is she really gone, is she dead, is it over", something like that, I don't know exactly what I said but I said something like that, is she gone, is it over or has she actually died, is she really gone.

Some such words I used and he said yes and he showed me the computer monitor saying look at the line.

In fact he had already tapped gently on my shoulder and said sorry and he had entered the room of ICU.

After that already I asked her.

I remember sister Mary removing all those tubes and everything, then finally goes all over.

My God, Richa, why, why, why the hell all this have to happen, why did you leave before me. You were supposed to go after I went, isn't it. You were supposed to be there to look after me.

What happened, how did this plan change.

How do I get to talk to you.