i could have carried you in my arms

dear richa 

dharmishta was telling me how you lay down in the icu room with half closed eyes

in the morning hours of 13 th nov

when papa met you

one to one

she said that you did nod your head in confirmation that you were listening 

thinking of that scene 

then the scream when the tube was inserted in your thigh  ( as she said the scream was with a closed mouth as you hardly had strength to open your mouth ) as if a muffled scream but loud enough to be heard outside

what the hell richa

why god made me disabled , why was i not there holding your hand ,

just like papa why did i not get this privilege to be with you in the hospital , why ?

i would have wanted you to be in my lap , in my arms

i would have carried you in my arms like a baby , like my own child 

i would have been there by your bed side day and night , holding your hand , talking to you 

why did mahavir and dharmishta get this privilige to hold you and pick you up , why not me 

i would have personalty fed you with my hands and even cleaned your bed sheets and changed the diapers

i would have driven you to the hospital , why the driver

i would have pushed the stretcher 

if you had to leave , why you didnt breathe last in my arms , in my lap , you could have given me one last hug

if at all you had to be cremated why i could not carry you , i could have carried you alone , no need of others , i would have laid the wood with my own hands , i would have cleaned the ashes , i would have gone to rishikesh 

why why why i wasnt allowed to do this

why

why why why , you did not share with me any of your feelings , thoughts

why

what was going on in your mind from august onwards

what was it that made you so inwardly withdrawn

what

i want to be with you richa

i want to feel your pain

i want to experience what you experienced

i also want to know how it feels to have a rice tube , how to have that damn thing inserted into the thigh 

i want to go through it 

this is my atonement 

but richa you be with me , be with me , when i am in pain , be there in your subtle body and appear in my dreams , talk to me

please !